


the green light of forgiveness

by closingdoors



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst, Canon Divergence, F/F, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-07
Updated: 2021-01-07
Packaged: 2021-03-17 16:27:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28602927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/closingdoors/pseuds/closingdoors
Summary: She gets the text from Noah as she's putting Johnny to bed:Can I come and stay with you at your mum's for a bit?
Relationships: Charity Dingle/Vanessa Woodfield, Vanessa Woodfield & Noah Dingle
Comments: 9
Kudos: 114





	the green light of forgiveness

**Author's Note:**

> Everything I know about post-breakup Vanity I know against my will. So consider this canon divergence. It doesn't take anything canon into account beyond Vanessa sending Charity the ring back, and Charity (it seems) being awful to Noah and Sarah.

After giving you the best I had  
Tell me what to give after that  
All you want from me now is the green light of forgiveness

**Happiness, Taylor Swift**

* * *

She gets the text from Noah as she's putting Johnny to bed: _Can I come and stay with you at your mum's for a bit?_

  
Johnny's cranky. She thinks he might be coming down with a sick bug. His forehead is a little clammy. He complains, he doesn't want to go to sleep in his own bed, and tries to dodge taking medicine for twenty minutes. Once she's finally gotten him to sleep, she's exhausted, and the text is still waiting for her.

  
_I'm not sure that's allowed,_ she types out, and stares at the screen. She's not sure what she means by that. Whether she means in terms of Charity, or lockdown, or whether she just doesn't know if she could handle having him here.

  
She's thought about him, all the kids, every day since she had ended things with Charity. It'd hurt more, losing them. At the time she had been so angry at Charity that she didn't have any space left to feel sad that the relationship she'd put years of energy into had crumbled to dust. Charity's begging through the letter box had faded to white noise.

  
Ross has been kind enough to have Moses FaceTime Johnny every now and then, but seeing the little boy she had started to think of as hers through a phone screen isn't the same. It hadn't surprised her, really, to find out Charity had dumped Moses on him.

  
She deletes the text and types out: _As long as your mum knows where you are._

 _  
She won't care,_ Noah types back.

* * *

Sometimes, when she first wakes up, she forgets. The light in the room is wrong. The walls the wrong colour. The rest of the bed cold.

  
Sometimes, she closes her eyes and thinks about Charity's curls on the pillow next to her. She thinks about the curve of her shoulder and the moles on her back, how she could draw them from memory, blindfolded, if asked.

  
Still, even in these moments, they're tainted with the thought of Charity with someone else. How much of their relationship had been real? How many times had a stranger turned Charity's head? Vanessa had been fighting for her life, _their_ life, together, and the same day Charity had been with someone else.

  
She doesn't know if she loves her anymore. It's been so long now. 

  
Charity had left her a voicemail, asking her to miss her a little bit. Vanessa does, sometimes, and other times she doesn't.

* * *

Noah arrives on a Thursday. When she opens the door, his breath is visible in the air between them. He smiles and she's struck for a moment by how much he reminds her of Charity. 

  
"Noah, this is my mum," she says, guiding him through the house. The tip of his nose is pink from the cold. She should've offered to pick him up from the train station. She's already forgetting how to be a mother to him. "Mum, this is Noah... Charity's son."

  
Her mum sizes him up. 

  
"You any good at decorating?"

  
"He's a guest," Vanessa reminds her.

  
"I can help," Noah says with a shrug.

  
He's barely had time to unpack before her mum has him putting a fresh coat of paint on in the bathroom. Vanessa hands Johnny her phone to occupy him and joins Noah. They work in silence, a radio sitting on the windowsill and the occasional mug of tea brought in by her mum. If he'd prefer to listen to his own music, he doesn't say anything.

  
After dinner, she sets up camp for him on the sofa. He's a tall boy, and the sofa's not particularly big, but she'd gotten the blow up bed out last night to find it riddled with holes. She's ordered another one, just in case he decides to stay a while. She's not really sure how long he wants to be here for.

  
"I'm sorry, it's not going to be a very comfortable night."

  
"It's alright." He flops down on the sofa. She hovers, uncertain of what to say next, but he beats her to it. "You're really okay, then? Mum said you were, but..."

  
"I'm okay. I have to have check-ups every few months but the doctors are pretty positive I'll be fine."

  
Relief slants across Noah's face. 

  
"You want anything else before I head up? Water, a snack?"

  
He smiles. "I'm alright, ta."

  
"Okay," she murmurs. She heads to the doorway and he flicks through the TV channels, the volume on low so he doesn't keep Johnny up. "Goodnight."

  
"Vanessa?"

  
"Yeah?"

  
"Thanks. For letting me stay."

  
She wants to ask why he's here, but she knows Noah can be just as stubborn as his mum. He'll come to her when he's ready. She switches off the light.

  
"Goodnight, Noah."

  
"Night."

* * *

She had written three different versions of the letter before she'd settled on the right one. It'd taken her a week. She'd thought about what she was going to say every day. She'd be in the middle of the supermarket, looking at the discounts, but her mind would still be trying to find the right words. She'd be out on a walk with her mum and Johnny, trying to focus on the views, but inside her mind she could see paper and her hand pouring ink all over it.  
  
  
She's still not sure if the words had been right. Whether they had been too cruel, or not cruel enough, too angry or not at all. 

  
_You never loved me like you said you would,_ she'd written, and the sentence plagues her still, because it's true and it isn't. _It was only a matter of time before this happened._

* * *

Vanessa expects to find Charity on her doorstep. Noah had assured her he'd told her where he was staying, has shown her the texts. She expects Charity in hyper-mum mode, going above and beyond for her son. One day turns into three and then a whole week and still not a peep out of her.

  
She gets used to seeing Noah there every morning when she wakes up. He rolls off of the sofa and makes them all a mug of tea, and plays with Johnny before he has to log on for his classes. They both sit at the table, her on one side, logged in for work, and him bored at the other end not even bothering to pay attention to his college work. On the weekend, they go for a walk together while her mum looks after Johnny. He's younger and fitter than her, but he doesn't complain that he has to wait for her to catch up. 

  
They reach the top of one of the hills and look down at the town sprawling beneath it. She points out where her mum's house is, and the school she had attended, and the pub she used to go to.

  
"Can we go?" He asks.

  
"Oi, mister, you're not eighteen yet. I've not forgotten."

  
"Worth a shot."

  
On the way home, they pick up fish and chips as a treat. Noah carries the food for her. After they eat, he tidies everything away. Johnny follows him around but he doesn't say a word. He lifts him up onto his back at one point to make things easier.

  
"He's a good boy," her mum observes, taking a sip of her wine.

  
"Yeah, he is," she agrees.

* * *

In spite of everything, she can't bring herself to delete the photos of Charity from her phone. She knows that means she's not really over her yet. She's trying to be. She really is.

* * *

Vanessa's on her lunch break from work, making her and Noah something to eat, when Noah speaks up.

  
"She's drunk every day."

  
Vanessa pauses. She doesn't ask who _she_ is. The images come to her quickly: Charity, a bottle of wine in hand, feeling sorry for herself on the sofa. Making a spectacle. Charity had been drunk when she'd left her that last voicemail. She hadn't been drunk when she'd snogged some random. Where does that leave her? Is that all she deserves, feelings that only alcohol brings?

  
"She kicked me out to live with Cain and Moira."

  
Vanessa keeps her back to him, continues buttering the bread.

  
"Is Sarah still with them now?"

  
"Yeah. She wanted to come up, too."

  
She sighs. Sarah had been there for her on the worst days of her treatment, had understood how awful it felt, and now Vanessa can't return the favour. Sarah, Noah, they're both so young. They shouldn't have to keep shouldering burdens like this.

  
"I don't think mum really wants me around anymore."

  
"Your mum loves you, Noah."

  
"What, like she loved you?"

  
Vanessa inhales sharply and tightens her grip on the knife. She has to stop again and close her eyes, gathering herself. 

  
Charity had loved her, just not in the way she should've. Not enough, maybe. Enough to adopt her son and then drop him the second Vanessa had left. Enough to give her a ring and promises and not keep a single one of them.

  
Vanessa turns, hopes she isn't crying. Her throat aches and her nose stings but she has to be strong. She's always had to. Doesn't look like that'll change anytime soon.

  
"It's different, Noah. She's your mum." Vanessa abandons the food to sit next to him. He fiddles with the place mat in front of him and doesn't meet her eyes. "I'm not saying... I'm not saying you have to forgive her, or understand her, that's... that's up to you. But she does love you, whether she's a good mum or not."

  
Noah sniffs, trying to hold back tears. Vanessa cautiously ropes him into a hug. He falls into it, his arms clutching her tightly.

  
"I miss you," he mumbles into her shoulder.

  
"I miss you too," she admits quietly.

* * *

There's a void in her life where Charity should be. Except it isn't always a void. She's gone back to being a single parent again and keeping Johnny occupied when they have to stay inside. So sometimes the void is filled with the joy of looking after him.

  
Johnny, who has two mums, except one isn't there for him anymore. He asks for her at first, wonders about Moses. He's used to Moses visiting Ross, he's used to visiting her mum, but he's not adjusted to it being permanent.

  
He soon adapts to it. He likes the park nearby and the neighbours' dog and all the toys he gets for Christmas. It's a rotten Christmas. Not the one she had imagined for him. He's happy anyway, and she tries to be.

* * *

Two weeks into Noah's stay, she calls Chas. It would be best to go straight to Charity, sure, but she's not sure how she'd handle hearing her voice. She'd had to delete the voicemails, the texts, everything. 

  
"Vanessa, this is a nice surprise."

  
"I guess you probably already know why I'm calling," she says, glancing out the window to Johnny and Noah playing in the garden.

  
"Yeah, well... our Noah leaving the village. It was a shock."

  
"I didn't ask him to come. But I would never turn him away. Not when -- not when Charity's -- look, I just needed to make sure that she actually knows he's here. I haven't heard anything from her."

  
"That's probably for the best."

  
"But she _does_ know he's here?" 

  
"Yeah." She hears someone's voice in the background. "I've got to go, love. Don't be a stranger."

  
"You too."

  
In the garden, Johnny shrieks when Noah catches him and tosses him in the air. Vanessa slumps against the counter and rubs her temples.

* * *

It feels like Charity's robbed her of everything. Her home, her ring, her _life._ She can't bring herself to go back to the village where her business is, where her pregnant sister lives, her best friend, Johnny's school. Everything.

  
Her mum suggests she tries dating again. Vanessa doesn't dare. She's not ready yet, and at this point she doesn't know why she'd bother. She thought it hadn't worked out before because she'd tried to force it to work with men. Because she'd always fallen for people who were inaccessible, people who needed her to prop them up. Then Charity had come along, and propping her up hadn't felt like a chore, it had felt like love. 

  
Her whole life is full of con artists. Her dad had been one of them. She should've been able to spot Charity a mile off. 

  
It gnaws at her at night. This uncertainty of her worth. All Charity had ever given her was lies. And every time, _every_ time she was caught out, she promised no more, and then lied again anyway. Doesn't she deserve something more? Doesn't Charity?

* * *

"You'll need to go home one day."

  
They're having a movie night. Her, Noah, and Johnny. Johnny has fallen fast asleep between them. 

  
Noah doesn't say anything. His jaw tightens.

  
"You can't keep sleeping on a blow-up bed in my mum's front room. You have no privacy. And I need to start thinking about finding somewhere for me and Johnny to live. I don't know if there'll be enough room."

  
"What, you don't want me?"

  
"Noah. You know it's not like that."

  
He climbs to his feet and paces the room. She gently lowers Johnny to lay on his side and stands to join him, the movie long forgotten. It'd been Johnny's choice in the first place. Noah's been letting him have his way constantly. He's clearly missed him.

  
She reaches out, places her hand on his arm, but he shrugs her off. She stands in place and lets him gather his thoughts, just like she's always had to do with Charity. They're more alike than either of them realise.

  
"I should be allowed to stay where I want," Noah says.

  
"I know. You should. But, Noah, I'm not your mum."

  
"I wish you were." 

  
She reaches out again, her hand on his back.

  
"Noah."

  
"Come back. Please. You don't even have to talk to mum, she's a mess. But come back to the village. It's not right without you. And you said -- you said last time you broke up that you'd still be here for me and Sarah, but you're not."

  
"It's hard," she says, and when he tries to storm off she moves in his path so he has to look her in the eye. "Noah, I want to be back there too. It's my home. But it's _hard_ for me. It hurts. I loved your mum so much."

  
"She ruins everything."

  
For once, she can't bring herself to defend Charity.

  
"Let's just sit, okay?" She suggests, trying to smile. "Let's just enjoy tonight."

  
They switch over to a different film. His choice, this time. Johnny stirs and Noah rubs his back until he settles. Vanessa has to blink a few times and remind herself that they're not back in Jacob's Fold. That Moses isn't playing with his cars at her feet and Sarah and Charity aren't bickering behind them. 

  
She misses it. She does. But that isn't her life anymore. Her life is here, with her mum and Johnny. It's quiet and lonesome, but it's a life nonetheless. 

* * *

Another day where she wakes up and the light in the room shines the wrong way. 

  
Where she pushes the curtain aside and February sunlight spills through and there's no glint of a ring on her finger.

  
Where she showers and there's no-one yelling for her not to use all the hot water and if she knows where Moses's shoes are.

  
Another day, and it goes on, life. It just keeps going on.

* * *

Noah's setting the table and she's chopping peppers to put in a salad when the door goes. Her mum had gone out for a walk before dinner, so she guesses it must be her, probably forgetting her keys.

  
It's Charity.

  
Charity, who looks tired. Vanessa's heart beats a little harder in her chest. Because she looks tired, but she's always effortlessly gorgeous, and that's always been hard for her to ignore. It shows how much time has passed, too. Her hair is longer, straight with a slight wave at the bottom, just past her collarbones. She wonders what Charity sees when she looks at her; if she's different, too.

  
"Charity!"

  
Johnny barrels past her and flings his arms around Charity's legs. She stumbles and has to right herself, her palms splayed over his back. Vanessa thinks she's forgetting how to breathe.

  
"Hey, Johnnybobs," Charity murmurs, voice soft and tender. She hefts him up onto her hip and groans. "God, you're heavy. You must be the one eating all the pies."

  
"And my veggies! So I'm big and strong!"

  
"I can see that, Popeye."

  
Vanessa stands aside because, well, she can't very well deny Charity entry when her son is under her roof, can she? Charity walks in cautiously, as if she hasn't been in this house before, hasn't sat at that table and had dinner with her mum -- who never attempted to hide that she didn't like Charity -- like she hasn't sat on the sofa with Vanessa at night and kissed her long and deep until her head was spinning.

  
Vanessa follows behind them as Charity walks into the dining room. Noah's arms are already crossed over his chest. 

  
"Johnny," Vanessa says, holding her arms out for him, "c'mon. Let's give them some room."

  
But Johnny resists, clinging tightly to Charity's neck and hiding his face in her shoulder. 

  
"S'alright. He can stay. Missed me, hasn't he?"

  
Vanessa bristles. "Don't you dare use my son against me."

  
"That's rich, coming from you."

  
"It's not like I'm holding Noah hostage. He's free to go when he _wants_ to."

  
"I don't wanna go. You can't make me," Noah interrupts.

  
"I am your mum, Noah, so you do as I say. Go and pack your bags. We'll sort this out. Together."

  
"You're only saying that because you're in front of _her,"_ Noah cries, pointing at Vanessa. "You say all this stuff but you never stick to it. You don't really care. You just want people to think you're better than you are."

  
Johnny raises his head from Charity's shoulder, frowning at their raised voices. Vanessa sighs.

  
"Noah, will you take Johnny into the other room, please? I'd like to talk to your mum on her own."

  
Johnny is still reluctant to let go of Charity, and she sets him down slowly, her hand brushing through his hair before she stands again. She watches him toddle off, hand in Noah's, and it isn't fair how Vanessa's chest tightens at the sight. They could've had it all, if Charity hadn't ruined it. 

  
Charity leans against the table, arms crossed, just like her son, and stares at Vanessa. She's surprised Charity can meet her eyes and that she's silent. Normally Charity goes loud to cover up her panic, to cover up her lies, to try and get her back on side. 

  
Vanessa studies her, wondering if Charity's had anything to drink today. She'd like to think that Charity wouldn't have driven all the way here under the influence, but the truth is she doesn't really know Charity anymore. She knows he's gotten back into running scams. Drinking every day and wallowing in pity to avoid confronting the fact that she's the problem. Lashing out at the people around them instead of accepting help and trying to right her wrongs.

  
"You took your time," Vanessa settles on saying.

  
"Yeah, well, thought he'd want some time to cool down. And you wanted space, so."

  
"It's not just space, Charity. We're not together anymore."

  
"I know." Charity's voice breaks and she looks down at her shoes. "I know."

  
Here is the part, she thinks, her part where she would go over and push some of Charity's hair behind her ear and hold her. When she'd do anything to have the weight slip out of Charity. When all she wanted was for Charity to look up and see the sun.

  
Charity's shoulders shake as she starts to cry. Vanessa gives her space, heading back to the kitchen to make sure the dinner isn't burning, pouring a glass of water for herself to gulp down. It's only then that she realises her hands are shaking. Trembling. 

  
When she returns, Charity's tears are gone but the tear tracks linger. Vanessa holds out a tissue for her and Charity takes it with a smile that splinters her chest in two.

  
"I've been rubbish. I know I have. But I miss him, Ness, he's my kid."

  
"That's not enough," Vanessa says. Charity's eyes widen. "I'm serious. You can't keep doing this. You can't just pick and choose when to be a mum. He doesn't know whether he's coming or going half the time."

  
Charity pushes off of the table and moves closer to her. Vanessa feels dizzy when Charity's within arms reach.

  
"It's because there's no _you._ No, I'm serious, babe, nothing's ever right without you. I don't know how to do anything without you. If you were there, everything would be perfect. I miss you so much."

  
And it's easy to believe. It's addictive to think that she can go back and glue the splinters of their family together again. That she can be the pillar that holds them back up. Thrilling to think that _she's_ the one who could tame Charity Dingle, can have her begging for her, on her knees through the letterbox, a drunken slur on her voicemail, less than a foot away in her dining room.

  
Charity leans in slowly, and Vanessa closes her eyes, pushing up on her toes.

  
Charity exhales sharply and then her mouth is insistent, her hands grabbing, and Vanessa remembers that this is how it had always been. Charity, wanting more, because Vanessa could never fill the wide, yawning hunger inside of her. For a while she gives into it, but it's muscle memory. The spark just isn't there anymore. It'd dissipated the second she'd seen that photo.

  
She pulls away and Charity's mouth is at her jaw.

  
"Babe," she murmurs, her hands fisting in her hair. And it isn't love, it desperation. "Just come home, yeah? Both of you."

  
"Why? What's there for me anymore?"

  
"Me. The boys! _Us_ , babe," Charity says, taking her hand and pressing it to her chest. She can feel Charity's heart beat. "I've said it before and I'll say it again, we were made for each other. I love you. It's only ever been you." 

  
But if this is what love is, she doesn't think she wants it.

  
"Me. And Cain. And some random bloke you used to do business with, and now Moira's brother," Vanessa spits, yanking her hand from Charity's grasp. "You must think I'm really daft if you think I'm gonna fall for that again. Noah's told me you've been sneaking around with him. Mackenzie." 

  
Charity's crying harder now, her eyes red, her cheeks blotched.

  
"Babe, I swear, it was just one time because I _missed_ you and I was lonely -- "

  
"You slept with him?"

  
Charity stops. Vanessa feels a chasm open inside of her.

  
"Where? In our home?" She can feel her lower lip wobbling. "In our _bed_?" 

  
Charity's eyes slam closed. Vanessa pushes her away, puts distance between them. Her hand covers her own mouth and she can't see through her tears. In their _bed._ That hadn't just been a place for sex. It had been somewhere safe. A place to sleep beside one another, to wake each day and face it together, to talk about their future. It's where she would recover from her treatment, from her stabbing. Where she'd wake in the night and soothe Charity's nightmares.

  
"Ness..."

  
"Don't," she says sharply, holding one finger up. She laughs in disbelief. "God, you haven't even asked me how I've _been._ And now I find out you slept with someone else in our bed."

  
"It didn't _mean_ anything."

  
"That's so much worse. _So_ much worse. You threw away everything for him."

  
"It's not like that!"

  
"You know what, Charity? I really don't care. I'm tired. I'm tired of it all." She runs her hands through her hair. It hurts to see Charity cry, but it's not her place to comfort her anymore. "Just... go. I'll drive Noah back when he's ready."

  
"And you?"

  
Vanessa shoots her a look. Charity's face crumples.

  
"Can I say goodbye to Johnny? Please?"

  
Vanessa, in spite of herself, nods. Charity doesn't bother pulling herself together to say goodbye, still teary-eyed, and that sets Johnny off too. Charity holds him tight and smothers his cheeks in kisses. She tells him she loves him. Something twists and turns inside of Vanessa's stomach. 

  
Noah sees Charity to the door. Vanessa continues making dinner. It hasn't burnt. Her mum gets home not ten minutes later, and she and Noah don't talk about it. 

* * *

Noah leaves on a Wednesday.

  
She walks downstairs in the morning and, instead of the sight of him making a brew for them both, she's met with him packing his things away, even his gaming console. He looks at her, waiting to see what she says, but she just smiles and flicks the kettle on.

  
She makes his favourite for dinner. Her mum talks too much, annoyed that the neighbours have decided to build a conservatory; all she can think about is the racket it'll make. Noah hides his laughter by ducking his head. Johnny swings his legs and pushes his vegetables around on the plate.

  
They leave right after, her mum thanking him for all the redecorating she's forced him into doing around the house, Johnny clinging to him and still not understanding what's going on. It's not a long car journey. The lights are on inside Jacob's Fold and Vanessa stares at the windows of her old home. She can't help but glance up at the window her and Charity's bedroom, wondering if Mackenzie is inside.

  
"You can always call," she reminds Noah. "I'll always be at the other end of the phone."

  
They hug, and she wishes, long and hard, that she was his mum. She wishes that she still had that life in Jacob's Fold and he and Sarah would play up and have her worried sick and the boys would run riot and she would end the days with Charity wrapped around her.

  
"Yeah. Thanks," he says, ducking his head, suddenly embarrassed.

  
There's a storm rolling overhead. She makes sure Noah gets inside safe before she leaves. She doesn't stick around to see Charity, but she does drive slowly through the village. It doesn't hurt to reminisce. 

* * *

She's happier more than she's not, most of the time, and she thinks that's called progress.

* * *

  
When she finally moves back to the village, summer is just beginning. Moving everything inside is tiresome and she's sweaty by the time she's done, even though Noah comes over to Tug Ghyll to help. Sarah comes to help, too, but she mostly just tells Vanessa about all the village drama she's missed.

  
Vanessa treats herself to a cold beer, holding it against her face to cool herself down. Noah and Sarah try to convince her to let them have one. Johnny runs around, full of energy, talking about seeing Moses at school. Tracy complains that the baby won't get any sleep with them all around. Her life is loud again. She goes to sleep with a smile on her face.

  
The next day, on her way to David's, she crosses paths with Charity.  
  
  
Charity's just leaving David's, a pint of milk in hand. The sun has brightened the blonde in her hair. She doesn't recognise the necklace Charity is wearing, it's tucked beneath her t-shirt. She looks good.

  
Charity hesitates, like she doesn't know whether to acknowledge whether Vanessa's there or not. Vanessa's the one to strike up conversation.

  
"Johnny starts at Moses's school next Monday. I thought maybe they could have a playdate after. He's missed Moses."

  
"Um, yeah. I can come get him after dinner?" 

  
"I thought you'd like to have Johnny, actually. If you're not working. He's got to spend some time with his other mum, hasn't he?"

  
She notices Charity's grip on the milk tighten. If she's not careful, it'll burst.

  
"Yeah. Yeah, that sounds good."

  
"Right. Sorted, then."

  
Vanessa shoves her hands into the pockets of her jean jacket and heads on to David's. It's a sunny day again and the birds are singing. It's right, being home, with what's left of her family and her friends.

  
"Ness?"

  
She turns. Charity's hand is splayed across her sternum. 

  
"It's good to see you," she says.

  
"Yeah." Vanessa smiles and means it. "It's good to see you, too."

  
She glances back when she gets to the doorway. Charity's still watching her. Eventually, she smiles in return.

  
Vanessa carries on.


End file.
